So, here’s what’s been up lately:
To be honest, it’s been a real battle to keep the Lord up there. I can’t say I always succeed, but by his grace (read: power), I’m managing to do so more than in year’s past. So, chalk one up for progress–one of the most powerful testimonies of Him in us.
There are several tracks in my life that are all converging and colliding this month. It’s kinda crazy. I think it’s creating some residual stress that is continually running in the background of my life. I don’t know for sure, but I speculate that my blood pressure and resting heart rate has been and continues to be higher than it should be. And I typically have this weird feeling in my stomach.
I have this massive work project going on that we’ve been in the midst of for six or eight months. We’re supposed to finish it next week. In reality, it isn’t going to be even close to the finished product I would like to be, meaning we’ll continue working on it as if it is still in development even though we’re “officially” past the development stage. That fact fatigues me just thinking about it.
It’s going to come in way below the expectations I had originally had in my mind. And that’s kinda defeating. I suppose my expectations were a bit too high considering the experience with such projects our team brought to the table (read: none), but I can’t help it. I have a naturally high bar for everything I do. I suppose my perfectionism needs to experience some more sanctification. But then again, I don’t think it’s entirely out-of-line.
All the while at church, we’ve been learning more what it looks like to live by faith. And I try to apply that to this work project, realizing that I, in my own strength, can’t put it off. Yet with God, all things are possible. But it’s hard to sustain that conviction when everywhere I look is a 50% completed project that I would like to somehow springboard to 80% in a week.
So, that’s one of the tracks. Others are:
- I’m in the process of moving into an apartment and living by myself. I own next-to-nothing in the area of “home furnishings”, so I’m shopping around for stuff like couches, a bed, a desk, bookshelves, kitchen items… My “stuff” is spread across three places right now–my former house on Park Rd., Dan’s house and the apartment. I’ve essentially been a vagabond the last while. I think not really having a true “home” during this time hasn’t helped matters. But then again, the idea of an earthly “home” is kind of a misnomer anyway, since our life is but a mist and it’s all going to burn up sooner rather than later. I don’t recall the apostles talking much about “homes.” They just went where the Holy Spirit told them. After having a burdensome mortgage for a few years, the whole idea kinda repulses me.
- I got a jury duty summons that is for this week. I haven’t had to go in yet, so that’s been an answer to prayer.
- I’m supposed to hear from a potential future employer about whether the job will be an HR reality or not. It would be another Web position. But after hardly enjoying this current Web project at all, I’m not sure I want to go that direction. I guess it hasn’t been terrible; it’s just this last push that is burning me out. I think a vacation would do me some head-clearing, refocusing good.
- Clark and I are going a different direction with our small group. We want to have different groups, but keep working together as leaders. This has support from our pastor–he’s kinda been wanting us to do this for a year or two–and I’m excited about the future ministry opportunities… just haven’t had the time or energy to invest in making it a reality yet.
So, all that being said, life will likely (read: hopefully) be completely different in a month or two. I like that idea. Though I certainly enjoy many things going on now, I’m really looking forward to some change. I feel like I’m in a box in so many different areas… I’m continually crying out within my heart How long, Lord? How long?—a cry of saints throughout the ages. And yet it doesn’t go away because what we’re ultimately longing for is Him. It’s a cry we’ll all have deep within us until Perfect comes.