God’s been turning the tables on me a lot lately. As I’ve entered into new levels of intimacy in my relationship with Him, I haven’t found many more answers to my questions. I’ve found him asking ME what the answer is. Say I ask Him: "what do you want me to do about thing ‘x’ and ‘y’?" The last few days, the answer has always been: "Well, Joel, what do YOU want to do?"
So, I’m wading through that whole thing, looking for the lesson in it. It’s kinda exciting in some ways, because it indicates a certain level of trust He’s placing in me. I feel my heart is moving the right direction because if He’s giving me permission to seek after what I WANT…well, that indicates my desires are in tune with His.
But it’s kinda odd in some ways as well, because it’s not really what I expected during this portion of my walk. I’ve been reading about all these Old Testament characters who have amazingly intimate relationships with God, and he’s always telling them what to do. I’ve been fascinated by that; I’ve desired that; I’ve longed for the buddy-buddy, chummy relationship with God where we hang with each other throughout the day and night and have continuous interaction. And I guess that is happening to a certain extent; I’m definitely more chatty with Him throughout the day. I just expected more literal direction from Him rather than the infamous "question for a question" that Jesus made so popular.
Which would I prefer? I’m not sure yet. Seems like straight up direction would be a lot easier, but in thinking back to my previous post about faith-filled things being far more appealing to me than the obvious routes, I should be opting for the way things are going: make a choice and step out in faith.
Now the only thing I have to do is train myself to believe that I actually want the RIGHT things. For a long time I’ve doubted my heart–I was convinced that if I desired something, it was likely God wanted the exact opposite for me. And for a while, that might have been true. But I don’t think that’s the case any longer. He’s brought me a long way and has fine-tuned was makes me click. Far more often than not, I have a pure heart and desire the things of God. It’s freeing to begin seeing it manifest in my relationship with Him.