I can’t make sense of it all. And I guess that’s what my prayer was this time last week, so it looks like God is following through on that request. I asked him to remain a mystery to me–to keep my understanding of what he’s up to slightly incomplete so I couldn’t fully wrap my mind around it and thus feel I was "in control" of whatever situations. If it’s God-sized and unfathomable to my mind, I reasoned, then I would HAVE to put faith and simple trust in his leading.
So, that’s where I’m at. Developments are flying off the shelves like books in a tornado-struck library. And I have NO CLUE what Dewey-decimal system I’m working with to organize them. I guess the Bible would be good start–you know, that big book that is nothing but truth…
In summary, I’m falling in love with and feel led toward two churches, multiple groups of friends and multiple career passions. I’m driven to develop both my intellect and my child-like faith. I long to understand God’s will and calling better while trying trying just to focus on him and quit over-thinking things. I need to grasp higher concepts of my relationship with God while re-learning how much he loves me–the most basic.
I want to be used by God for great things, yet find myself having to check my desire to make a name for myself over his. I long to be a catalyst of change in people’s lives but am overwhelmed with the variety of avenues that God could use to do so. Which one do I pursue? I’m hungry for growth in my walk and am surely experiencing it, but I don’t even know where to begin taking on the things I want to tackle.
All the while in the back of my mind, I’m pushed back to a concept I’ve set aside time and time again… When there are too many things to focus my attention on, it’s all the more obvious the only way I can get through it all is to focus on Jesus.
"Yeah, but stuff still needs to get done," I tell myself. "There are still things I need to be doing in these situations for ANYTHING to happen. I can’t just sit there and pray all day."
So I find myself numbed once again, overloaded by life. Faced with so many prospects, I often choose none out of fear of choosing the wrong one when in all likelyhood God just wants me to chose ANYTHING and run with it with all my heart. Chances are, they all lead to the same destination–that being God’s good and perfect will.
Multiple paths along one good and perfect will? Is that possible? I just might have to pray for clarity on that one.